The Script after feedback

Here is our script that Scott and I wrote after we got feedback from Ed Hooks:

I sent this to Ed and he replied with another set of suggestions to how we could improve it: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Much stronger, Kristian. Suggestions: 1. On Nicholas's first appearance, we don't need to hear his conversation with his mate. In fact, it will be better if we do not. You can have him saying exactly the same thing he is now, about the girl last night who was all over him, just replace his recorded dialogue with music or something. Everything else is the same. Sees the girl, tells his mate he has to run, gets off the phone. 2. After he gets off the phone, have him go straight for Jen. On the way, he has to step over a small flower garden that runs parallel to the sidewalk. As he steps over, he gets the idea to give her flowers. We don't have to see him pick them. He only has to get the idea, the impulse to pick them. Animate his thoughts. 3. I don't like his first line to Jen. You aren't using it to expose any of Nicholas's personality or values. This is the kind of guy that troops around with rubbers in his pocket, and I think he might go for a grandiose intro. Bowing to the queen, over-acting, hoping to amuse and charm her. But "These are for you" is lame. 4. Jen's reaction to him is too ambivalent. Does she think he's funny? Hot looking? A pushy jerk? With "ehhh….thanks…I guess", you are again wasting an opportunity to expose values and personality. This is, in general, something you guys need to work on, using every single moment of action and dialogue to expose new information about the characters and story. Time restriction is part of the discipline of telling stories on film. Make everything count. The audience will presume that 100 percent of what they see on screen is important, even the tiniest thing. 5. As you have it now, Jen does not react favorably to Nicholas at all. After she discovers that he made the balloon thing for the kid, she briefly reconsiders her reaction, but that does not change anything. What is HER objective? Why is she sitting on the bench in the first place? Give her something to do. How about if she is an artist and is sketching park scenes on a pad? It could be funny if she is sketching the flowers when Nicholas picks them, ruining her sketch. Once he presents the flowers to her and sits down, she still needs an objective. Using the artist thing, maybe she is working on a project and has a deadline. She is amused and charmed by Nicholas, but she has work to do. Something like that. Anything, really. Just don't have her sort of sitting there doing nothing except reacting to him. 6. After Nicholas says the corny line about Tennessee, you have her sliding down the bench. That is not strong enough. If she really wanted to get away from him, she would get up and leave. Unless she has some other reason for sitting there. And, once again, I would prefer to see her amused by his corny joke, even while trying not to let him see her amusement. 7. The boy, his sister, the ice cream and the balloon have no reason for being in this story other than to set up the joke about the condom. If I were you, I would get rid of the kids because they are not advancing the story enough to keep them there. If you absolutely, positively must have Jen see a condom or condom wrapper, then let him maybe reach in his pocket to get something -- chewing gum, change for ice cream, a picture of his dog, his driver's license -- and as he does that, the condom falls out onto the ground. Unopened. Part of the problem you have is that the audience is having to deal with the rubber and the wrapper it came in. Plus, you have Nicholas being a litterer, which is a turn-off for Jen. Imagine if Charlie Chaplin accidentally dropped a condom in front of somebody he was trying to impress…. What would he do? I will bet he would try to quickly hide it, putting his shoe on top of it or trying to kick it under the bench, all the while trying to straighten up the flowers on the bench. 8. And, finally, I personally would prefer to see him succeed a little at the end. Once she sees the condom, she makes a hasty exit. Maybe she looks back over her shoulder and sees that he is embarrassed. So she turns around and goes back to the bench. Or something. I am talking out of my ass here. This is not a concrete suggestion. All I'm saying is that the condom joke is taking too long to set up, involves too many characters and is going to put your audience in an awkward position. Ed" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After a group-meeting on skype we have decided to go back and work on the ending. As we understand it our idea and first half is working, just needs improving here and there. We also see the point that the kids are mostly there to build up a joke and doesn't really do much for the story. We will have to have a talk with the tutors to discuss this tomorrow, since we have a few ideas on how to rewrite it, but the fact is that there are certain expectations to a Masters-project, and especially one from a group of three, so we need to make sure we don't make it too short or "easy" for us.