The new script, feedback & another storyboard/animatic

After one round of feedback we wrote another draft for our script and sent it to the tutors. The feedback we got from Chris the second time was this: ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "My thoughts... A lot tighter, but I'm not sure you need the bit where the guy actually talks to the boy to trade the balloon for the ice cream. I think that part could still work with him disappearing off screen and coming back with the ice cream...I think you'd get more of a *UGH* from your audience at the end if they realise that the boy already had a condom animal...and maybe you should make the animal less obvious...perhaps draw a face on it as condoms don't look like snakes when they're inflated...I think! You should probably blow one up to see what they look like... Anyway, apart from that I would also think carefully about the moment the boy first appears with the ice cream...he would provide the perfect reason for the guy to stop putting his arm round the girl, especially if he's just stood staring, licking his ice cream...not sure if I mentioned yesterday, but if you look at the Incredibles, when Mr Incredible comes home after being sacked...he parks his car and slams the door while a little boy sits watching him on his scooter and his bubblegum bubble bursts...a lovely scene and great reactions from both characters...I think you need to start that relationship at that point and it would really help drive the story. When the guy disappears, the girl could be watching ducks or even better, another couple walking by hand in hand and you could play on that to show that's what she wants...she might sigh or react in a way that emphasises the fact...the guys then rushes back into shot with a half eaten ice cream... If you play this right it could be really great. Maybe you shoudl get it boarded up and into Premiere for Tuesday so we can take a proper look?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ So, we wrote another draft of the script, but haven't heard back from any of the tutors on that, except Ellie who said she would read up on it and give us feedback in class tomorrow. We still decided to meet up today and do a storyboard/animatic to bring with us and show in tomorrows lecture. I drew the storyboard pictures for this one whilst Em and Scott directed me and we all did some brilliant acting..! (hehe..) Scott took all the files with him and edited it all together and added subtitles since the audio is a bit poor at times, so here is the new script as a Storyboard/animatic: